I whispered into the quiet, “Jesus, I’m tired of holding onto you. If you want me, then you’ll hold on to me, but I’m letting go.” My faith had shriveled and dried up. In one unemotional moment I had broken up with God. (Read about my crumbling faith here, too.)
Some emotional moments had led up to that one. A close friend had inflicted a deep wound on us. Accusations had been hurled, a Judas kiss offered. For weeks, we pled with God for a resolution. When none came, except an offer to take a new role in another state, we reluctantly uprooted and left.
In those difficult months, I nursed my anger and hurt. Why hadn’t God answered our prayers? I concluded that He must not have wanted to help us. A belief formed: God may love other people and help them (i.e. answer their prayers), but He wants to make life difficult for me.
Over the next year, I still went through the motions of attending church and planting a church. But, my faith lay dormant. My break-up with God remained private. Snubbing Him, I quit trying to guess His sliding scale, believing that He capriciously decided who He would help and who He would let suffer.
However, just as the hurt had come through a Christian friend, so the healing began with Christian friends. After the first year, we gained a new family, the staff of a Christian organization where we worked. Their kind friendships provided the salve that soothed my wounded heart. Other women that I met began praying for me. Healing came slowly. Soon, I warmed to Jesus’ presence again, until one day, I realized that He was still holding on to me. (You can read more about that awakening here.)
I know that I’m not alone in my struggle to believe what Jesus says everyday. When life’s storms hit, my feelings nag me: “Is God really good? Does He really love me? Am I all alone in this?” My friend, Maria, wrote about her struggle to believe that God is good on her blog, A Woman Named Free. She questioned God’s goodness when she suffered the devastating and sudden loss of her parents.
You are not alone in your faith struggle. Believe me, He won’t let go of you.